"I am nothing"

 I told a mutual friend just the other day, "They have very nearly destoyed her."

She doesn't feel that there is anyone left in the world who can be trusted, 

nobody who is not by their very nature Cruel, and waiting for the next opportunity to hurt her

or in some way take advantage of her vulnerability... 

What was worst of all was that she seemed to believe that somehow

she deserved this fate, this very nearly perpetual state of being...

That she had done something which caused all this 

That she was guilty of so many terrible transgressions.

It was so sad to see, but of course i knew why. She had told me her story in great detail over several years, and then again and again when I thought I had heard everying, suddenly and unexpectedly 

she bring up  something which was for her little world...  earthshaking... 

So, yes,  I do know why this has happened. why she has come to such a completely hopeless view of herself or for anything ever being better.  

But she is, and was 99.99% innocent

Members of her own family were the first of her perpetrators, and now some  are among the most recent tormentors. But most of the damage, most of the Evil was inflicted by two husbands and one man who might have also fallen into that category if not for the interference of the first husband... 

There were a number of holier-than-thou religious people as well... so eager to cast the first stones...  

so ready to make her feel like a terrible, worthless,  person.

"They had their fun."  is what she would often say. 

It was in some ways almost like a gang rape which had spanned most of her existence. 

She now believes that she deserves no respect.... she said that she has no dignity left.   

I try to remind her of all the good she has done again and again, and that that is her Nature 

to want to help and nurture others.  She became an amazing teacher. Her favorite students were always kids with special needs. That was after many years as a professional musician. Her ex stole and then sold her oboe to financially disable her. 

She was once been the principal oboe player in the oldest sympony orchestra in her country. She was the favorite of famous conductor. Yes, many of the other musicians were extremely jealous of her. 

She could not do anything about that. She could not change who she was.  It was because she loved the music so much. She practiced and practiced and practiced not only while a student, but later as well. She was always the first to arrive for rehersals and often the last to leave the concert hall. 

She seemed to understand the deeper intentions of the composers and that it what her two most important conductors had seen in her... 

but all of that is water under the bridge. She is now barely functioning.  

Not even her own child knows what to do... how to help... 

It's as if her mom is now more like a kid, and not in a good way, not the fun and playful person 

she used to be, but someone who has shrunken, and is a very withdrawn version of her former self. 

I will now begin to tell her story little by little... so that when she reads some portion of the tale 

of her struggles,  it will not be too much...  So that it will not reopen the wounds which have still not healed. 

Eventually a more complete and cohesive version of the story will emerge in more than one format. 

All proceeds from the various manifestations of her story will go first of all to help her get the appropriate care she needs, rather than being forced, AGAINST her will, to take mind numbing medications which render her barely functional. Eventually, we, who follow her journey and decide to give support to her healing will one day together get her a new another oboe...   

May it be